desire

Lately I’ve been thinking about desire and its role in our lives, my life in particular.  I’ve made some great and not so great decisions because of desire.  Desires seem to be very wrapped up in our emotions and feelings.  They are what spur us on to the attainment or quest for attainment of something.  Desire is what happens when we find holes within ourselves-- we want to fill them. 

We desire the most things that are scarce.  It’s simple economics—little supply equals high demand.  Take gold or diamonds for example.  Same goes for love and relationships.  When you’re in a relationship and that person desires you, your time, your affection, and so on, it’s a turn off.  It can be frustrating and flustering to be wanted by someone, but secretly it’s satisfying not to be the one lacking.  Within the story of love, inevitably the tables turn, and then we are the ones who want to be desired.  As much as we may try, we can’t push it aside or hide it from the other person.  Just like truth, desire wills itself out.

At times we can feel out of control of our desires.  They have the power to take us away from the present and out of an awareness of being.  We become powerless as our yearnings take over and manifest themselves as whatever action we think can get us what we want.  Like a child who finds a toy in a store and feels that they not only want but need this particular toy.  After asking politely doesn't get them the toy, they throw a tantrum in the middle of aisle 3 while the parent tries to shush them, control the scene, and avoid the gazes of passing shoppers.  After a while, the child realizes that perhaps they don’t really need this toy, life goes on, and they’ll be okay with out.  The desire subsides.  They stop crying, and the shopping continues.

As much as I hate losing myself to desire, I guess that’s just part of the human condition.  It’s something that you just have to ride out.  I don’t think all desires are like this.  Biological desires that deal with the self are fairly straight forward (i.e. eating, sleeping, etc.).  However, when desire involves another person (i.e. intimacy, physical contact, friendship, etc.), things can get more complicated, because you have the desires of two people to take into account. 

Desire is different for romance and for friendship.  We have different intimacy needs met by different people in our lives: people that will be there when you desire comfort, people that will be there when you desire a good conversation, people that will be there when you just want to have a good time, and so on.  In friendship, you’re looking out at the world with that other person.  Our desires for a good laugh, a happy time, a good conversation, etc. match fairly easily.  You know which friends to go to in order to fill certain needs and desires within yourself.  It’s more complicated with lovers.  Lovers tend to look more at each other than friendships do.  We channel some of our deepest desires here.  Sometimes they don’t match up as perfectly, because it’s one person (not like the selection of friends you can go to for different desires).  Or sometimes one partner has desires for something at a time when the other doesn’t.  Desires are something that the partnership needs to learn to handle and balance.

I also believe desiring is a way of loving ourselves.  It puts us on a journey of self-discovery as we try to find ourselves through our desires.  Desiring different things brings us different gifts.  For example following our dreams and aspirations can bring new people, wisdom, experiences, etc. into our lives.  These things grow us and stretch us in new ways.  And as our relationships fill different desires within us, a reflection of ourselves is created in that relationship.  We see ourselves through the others' eyes, as the cliche goes.  Another person's understanding and awareness of us allows us to see ourselves in a new way.

Ultimately, desire is an inescapable part of life.  It can spur us on to great deeds or lead us to make some poor choices.  There is a part of desire that we're helpless to control, but I think there is also a part of desire that we get to mold and shape by being who we are.  Although desire can be frustrating at times when you're not getting the object of your desire, there are still some really beautiful gifts within desire.  I hope that both you and I find them.  :)