trusting

How does one trust their heart, really?  Your heart can take you down smooth roads and bumpy roads that end in cul-de-sacs of heartache.  I always thought that even if your heart took you down a difficult path, there would always be some deep purpose or lesson to come out of it.

Yet I've taken such a path recently.  In the immediate, I don't see a deeper purpose in the bad decision I made-- just brokenness that needs fixing.  Does a difficult road always need purpose?  I always thought it did.  I guess I don't think so anymore.  And if nothing else, I've become a richer person for my experiences.

After all when you examine the meaning of life, sometimes there's deep purpose and sometimes there's meaninglessness and pointlessness.  That doesn't make it good or bad.  It's all part of the experience.

To answer my question: How does one trust their heart?  We don't really have a choice.  If you can't trust your north star, your compass will always be broken.  We just have to... no matter where it takes us.

trusting anyway

H and I had a conversation the other day about how as people get older and gain more life experiences, there's much more opportunity to get heart broken, be hurt, become resentful, distrustful, cynical, etc.  As we get older, we become more sullied by life.

H asked me  how I have been able to push past all the hurt I've experienced in my own life.  Scars have been made, and I've been left wondering at times how to trust myself and others.  Why not cloister myself away in a safe place?  I can work to keep myself from getting hurt again.

But my answer to her was this... As humans, we are really left with no choice.  We have to trust ourselves.  We have to trust others.  The reality is that we may get hurt again (and most likely we will, as loss and hurt come with love), but cloistering ourselves away to a safe and protected place only cuts ourself off from the world.  It is a suicide of the soul.  If we do not choose love and trust, what is left?

maroc reflections

In Morocco, I touched some of the depths of my soul and discovered so much of my heart and my being.  Even after months of being back, I struggle to again reach those depths.  I wrote in Morocco about how both the first and third world have a superficiality to them.  However, they are two very different types of superficiality.  I find myself drowning in a world full of materialism and tunnel vision.  The world is small here, and most people keep the doors of their soul closed even to themselves.  Work is no longer just something I do, it's what defines my life, fills my day, eats my thoughts, and steals my attention.

I hunger for a world filled with moments of still silence.  It's as if I've forgotten; silence can give me emptiness if I don't remind myself.

For two years, I dug to my depths and sought peace.  Yet in this new place, I must perform this work again in order to find myself in this new context.  I have to adjust to find a new balance after this change in scale, measure, and weight.

Perhaps this is our life work--to find ourselves again and again as our scenery changes thus forcing a change to our inner selves.  If I can find the space, will you help me find myself?

as we are

"We see others not as they are, but as we are."

How we think of and treat ourselves directly affects how we think of and treat others.  Our perception of the world begins with who we are.  Most of the time we don't even realize or are aware of our own biases, personality quirks, fears, dreams, etc. 

I used to think that to change the world, people would have to care about others more than themselves.  But I think some people are hard wired to be more compassionate and selfless.  That is not something that's easy for everyone to do.  The real issue is that we don't truly know, understand, or love ourselves. 

fears and dreams

I watched this video this morning.  Some pieces are a little cliche, but I thought that the idea of fears and dreams being the center of who we are is very true.

My greatest fears and my greatest dreams define who I am.   Sometimes I'm not even consciously aware of all of my fears and dreams.  Yet I make the bulk of my daily decisions and major life-changing choices around them.   I also think I have the ability to change and manipulate my fears and dreams if I have the courage to.

finding good friends

intimacy.
closeness.
love.
friendship.

we all crave it and long for it... To be loved-- that is what is.

B and i talked about friendship one night. people desire closeness, but the truth of it is that we will only have a few friendships that will last a lifetime- only a handful of intimate friendships. when B said that, i thought that that was one of the saddest things i'd heard in a while. i couldn't help but think, "i only get a few? a FEW is all i can hope for?" she said what it really comes down to is convenience- whoever's around. it's so true.

no wonder people don't feel as though their lives are fulfilled unless they get married. 

home

After living in Morocco for two years, I'm finding that I wouldn't be happy staying here forever and I'm not happy to be leaving either.  There are things I love about the culture, but also things I don't like.  I feel the same way about American culture too though.  I'm beginning to think being anywhere is a trade off. 

There isn't really one place, one country, or one culture that feels like home.  Perhaps that's part of the human condition.  Or I haven't looked long enough.  I've found that each place, country, and culture has strengths and weaknesses.  I think it's supposed to be that way.  It keeps us wanting more and keeps us striving for utopia.

I believe that Home isn't a place, person, or group of people you find.  You have to make Home wherever you feel that it should be.  I'm coming to find that my Home is scattered all across the globe.  There's one physical location that feels like home to me, but really my Home is with a small group of individuals that let me put my bags down and find rest in them.  It's where I find peace and strength.  With them I most feel like Me.

wanting power

In a follow up to my last post, I've also been thinking a bit about power.  Here are my thoughts so far...

What is power?  I think power is essentially influence.  It's when you're able to influence others' and your own thoughts, actions, and feelings.  It's so easily corruptible though.  Power can change the way you see yourself.  It helps you get lost in you.  It can feed your sense of self-worth in different ways.

When drugged with power, people will do anything.  Like that famous prison study where participants were split in half-- half were to pretend to be prisoners and the other half would be prison guards.  The guards began to take their role way too seriously, and the study was eventually stopped early.  The guards' self-identity began to change and they didn't see how cruel they were becoming to the prisoners, they were just doing their "job."  Who we are can change drastically with power.  It can be frightening.

But why do we crave power so much?  I've had a harder time coming up with an answer for that one.  Is it just a drug-- one taste and you crave more?  I feel like there should be more to it than that.  Thoughts??

wanting control

Lately I've been reading The Fate of Africa, by Martin Meredith.  In the book he discusses the independence of African countries from colonial power and the subsequent troubles they have faced.  It's no secret that Africa has had a lot of corrupt rulers.  But this has got me thinking about control and power...

Westerners seem to think they can control much more than they really can.  Less developed areas that are more dependent on agriculture, the weather, the seasons, are more susceptible to disease, etc. realize more their lack of ability to control things.  

Control is largely an illusion.  I can control what clothes I put on, but I can't control the weather, the possibility of getting into a car accident, or whether or not I'll die tomorrow. But I'm really curious about the why.  Why do humans, particularly those from the developed world, lust after control as much as they do?  My best guess is it our way of coping with a world where we truly have no control.  It's scary to be out of control.  We like having things to depend on.

Any one else have an idea?

giving up on changing the world

I hate it when people give up their dreams of "changing the world" because they think that they're too old or they believe that if they can do something significant it will have to be through their children.  That's never true.  There's always time to change the world.  It's never too late to do anything.

knowing yourself

I heard of a girl once who was so scared of sitting with herself that she said she didn't even like to think.  A lot of people are like that.  We don't like to sit in silence, so we bring our ipod or phone.  We do our best to avoid having nothing to do.  When boredom hits, we put on the TV or do anything that will take us away from ourselves.  It's almost as if we're scared to sit with ourselves.

I believe knowing yourself is the bravest thing of all.

A friend recently sent me this poem:

the questions we ask

When something bad happens or we're going through an uncertain time, we ask ourselves lots of questions:  Why did this happen?  Why didn't I get the job?  Why did they not want me?  Why did I miss my chance?  I always tend to get down on myself when I see doors closing for me.  I like open doors; they make me feel good about where I'm going and what I'm doing.

However, I'm beginning to see that the questions we ask can greatly affect our perspective.  When we ask good questions, we'll get good answers.  Such as, what does this make possible?  How can I make this better?  What if this isn't the end but a new beginning?  What lessons did I learn here?  Instead of focusing on doors closing, I should be focusing on the doors that are opening because of that closed door.

"We only lose things, because it makes us strong."
-Lupe Fiasco, 'Coming Up'

are you listening?

"Only make moves when ya heart's in it."
-Notorious BIG

I heard this today, and it's a sentiment that's been on my mind lately.  When we want something or see something is available, we often just grab it without pause.  We think it should be ours, that we deserve it.  However, sometimes those things aren't meant to be ours, they're not developed and ready for us, or there's something better down the road we just can't see yet.

Our hearts speak all the time; it's our compass.  The problem is that most people aren't truly listening.

what we love

"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love."
-JWG

It's true... Even more so than I could have imagined at first. The big love that underlies all my passions and interests is my love for people.  Psychology and sociology have always fascinated me-- why we do the things that we do.  This love also gets translated into the relationships I have with people around me.  I have a big and trusting heart.

My strengths and my weaknesses also seem to be tied up here. I'm beginning to be able to identify them better.  If we lack self-awareness, those weaknesses can be damaging.  My gifts are not truly gifts unless I understand them and wield them properly.

what is poverty?

When most people hear the word 'poverty,' they think of no money, little food, wretched living conditions, dirty old clothes, disease, lots of flies and other bugs, and on and on.  However, many of the people that populate third world countries and are materially impoverished are some of the most joy-filled people you'll ever meet.  A lot of times they are happier than people with many material possessions.  So can material possessions define poverty alone?

A friend recently wrote a blog post discussing the same topic, because she heard the quote: "Poverty is the result of hopelessness."  If you have only a few material possessions but have hope and joy for each day, then I believe you are not truly poor.  There is poverty of the soul and poverty of possessions.  Sometimes we forget that poverty of the soul exists.  It would be good for us to remember and ask ourselves what it is we can do to fight poverty of all kinds.

"There is more hunger in this world for love than there is for bread." -Mother Teresa  

rhythm

Our lives move to a Rhythm-- something so big and beyond us that moves us through life.  When we dance to music, rhythm literally moves us.  Rhythm also can easily be found throughout nature.  There is the rising and setting of the sun, the seasons, a heartbeat, life and death, the waves and tides of the ocean, and so on.  I think rhythm is so much more than music, dance, and nature's cycles.  It's difficult to put rhythm into words, because it's simply felt.  You don't think about rhythm.  People who are 'bad dancers' aren't good dancers because they are over-thinking dancing.  You just feel it and dancing happens.

Rhythm is something you just fall in tune with.  I believe that we can live our lives that way too.  We can come in tune with Life.  There isn't a recipe for it.  It's unique for every person, but when you find it, you just know.  Some cultures have found Rhythm more easily than others (see video below), and I think there are a variety of reasons for that.  However the most important thing is that it can be found, so we should try to look for it.

In order to dance to Life, you must first feel the Rhythm...

 Foli: There Is No Movement Without Rhythm

the power of vulnerability

I like what she has to say, and the sociologist in me loves that she can back it up with research.  It's true: connection is what defines our existence.  In order to connect, we have to be seen.  It's our decision to let our guards down, take our masks off, and be vulnerable.  I pray we all have the courage to do so...

masks

Everyone wears them-- all different shapes and sizes.  Allowing only a select few, and sometimes no one at all, to see behind them.  We claim to hide from other people, from pain, from the past, from the future...  We try to be what we want others to see.  But we truly only end up hiding from ourselves.

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."
–James Baldwin

Love is power.
Learn love.

communication these days

Recently I listened to an NPR piece that was talking about communication.  These days there are so many ways to communicate (i.e. e-mail, blogs, social networks, cell phones, snail mail, etc.) that we often don't even realize that we're connecting long distance.  With the ease and access of technology, we can communicate really whenever and wherever we want.  We can carry cell phones anywhere, access our e-mail while walking down the street, or send texts all over the world.

At this point "it's so easy to communicate, there's no reason to communicate anything of interest" (Ted Widmer). I heard this and instantly thought of status updates where people feel the need to let the world know they are brushing their teeth and watching the 567th episode of Grey's Anatomy or whatever it is at the moment.  Widmer even goes on to say that as he sits on the subway he hears people's cell phone conversations that consist of 'Hello. I'm here.  I'll be home at 5:19 instead of 5:18.'  It's the most mundane stuff.  Really.

Back when America was being forged, all people had were letters to communicate over long distance and there was no guarantee your letter would make it.  People took time and made an effort to make sure that what they were communicating was quality.  This really got me thinking and led me to ask myself, am I communicating things of quality and depth?  Am I communicating things that are relevant to others?  Would I want to hear/read what I have to say?

stories

I believe in stories.  Over the past few months I've read several articles and books on the topic that have gotten me thinking a lot more about the value, meaning, power, and prevalence of stories in our everyday lives.

We are surrounded by stories.  We hear them as loved ones recount their day, a friend tells you about an experience from their past, gossip about your co-worker catches your ear, a child gets a bed time story, through a pastor's sermon, watching movies and TV, reading a book, listening to music, and so on.  Much of daily interactions with people are stories and many of the things we do for leisure involve stories.  We are constantly telling stories and listening to them.

Stories hold great power over us.  As the saying goes, you are what you eat, and the stories we consume define us in a way that sometimes we don't even fully realize.  They affect how we interpret life and give us values.  Stories of men being superior to women, of using violence, having a spiritual message, or that speak to the goodness of humanity all manifest differently within ourselves.  There are good stories, and there are bad stories.  All stories tell us and teach us something, and we need to be mindful of that. 

What kind of stories are you telling, and what kind of stories are you hearing?  Stories are everywhere.  We consume them, we tell them, and we live them. If we're not telling good stories to the people we love and manage the stories we consume, who else will?  For our others' sakes and for own sakes, we should try to tell, live, and listen to good stories.